This Glossary of Terms Heard in Meetings is not conference approved literature.
It was developed by the Monterey Bay Intergroup and includes definitions found on other sites.
12 Steps
A set of twelve suggested actions adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous for Sex and Love addiction, to help individuals struggling with this addiction change their attitudes and behaviors for sustainable recovery in sobriety.
12 Traditions
Intended to help SLAA groups function effectively, the twelve traditions provide guidelines for the relationships between groups, members, and the larger SLAA fellowship.
3-Second Rule
As recovering addicts, we cannot control the thoughts we have or the fact that we feel triggered. We can, however, control what we do with those thoughts and feelings. However, we need to turn away from the triggering individual, thought, etc. within three seconds and refocus. After recognizing an addictive thought or fantasy, we give ourselves a maximum of three seconds to turn away from it and focus on something else.
3×3 / 4×4 / 5×5
Outreach format with a fellow similar to meeting structures. Each person shares for 3-minutes, 4-minutes, etc. Before or after sharing, fellows may request feedback. It is okay to simply listen. Don’t offer feedback without first checking.
13th Stepping
Manipulating another person in recovery, especially a newcomer, into a sexual, emotional, or romantic relationship. Being inappropriate with fellows.
Accessory Behavior(s)
Accessory behaviors are warning signs that you are in danger of acting out. Accessory behaviors are not destructive themselves, but they support your addiction. Accessory behaviors may seem innocent but in fact they set you up to act out; they include rituals, obsessions and triggers that may set you off. Accessory behaviors include strategies we use to get relationship or sex partners or materials for acting out. It is a good idea to consider your motives before doing anything that might be an accessory behavior. Ask yourself what outcome you are hoping for. Sometimes referred to as “mid lines” or “middle lines.”
Abstinence
A change in our behavior that involves stopping the addictive pattern – one day, sometimes one minute, at a time. Abstinence is a beginning point in sobriety.
Acting Out
To engage in addictive behavior. Engaging in behavior which is one’s bottom line, is often referred to as having a slip.
Addict
Exhibiting a compulsive, chronic, physiological or psychological proclivity for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity.
Addiction
A persistent and intense urge to use love and/or sex, despite substantial harm and other negative consequences. Repetitive behaviors that perpetuate craving, and weakens self-control.
Anorexia
The compulsive avoidance of giving or receiving social, sexual, or emotional nourishment.
Basic Text
The fundamental text of SLAA
Big Book
Alcoholics Anonymous, also known as the “Big Book,” presents the A.A. program for recovery from alcoholism. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a Twelve Step, Twelve Tradition oriented fellowship based on the model pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous. Many meetings and Sponsors use the Big Book in recovery.
Big Book Meeting
A meeting that relies on and may include regular references to, study of, and/or reading from the AA Big Book.
Bill W. (Bill Wilson)
Bill Wilson, often referred to as Bill W. to honor the anonymous nature of AA, is a co-founder of AA and the author of the Big Book.
Birthday/Sobriety Birthday
Recognition is given for time away from bottom line behavior, i.e., 24hours, 1month, 3months, 6months, 1Year and on for each year of sobriety. If a person relapses, their sobriety time starts over, and their birthday is changed to the next day they achieve continuous abstinence from bottom line behavior.
Bookending
Phone calls or texts to a supportive friend or Sponsor in recovery when engaging in potentially triggering events. During the “before” contact, you commit to sobriety and discuss a plan to avoid a slip or relapse. The “after” contact provides an opportunity to discuss what happened, what feelings came up, and what the addict might want to do differently next time.
Bottom Lines / Inner Circle Behaviors
Self-defined activities which we refrain from in order to experience our physical, mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual wholeness. In a three circle approach – inner, middle, and outer – in the inner circle, we put the sexual, fantasy, and love addicted habits we want to abstain from, the ones we consider “acting out”, breaches of our Bottom Lines.
Boundaries
Self-defined, self-protective limits we use for interaction with persons, places, things, or activities.
Burning Desire
Often, if there is remaining time at the end of the meeting, the chair asks if anyone has a burning desire to act out, and/or are particularly troubled. This is also an opportunity for anyone who hasn’t had a chance to share, to share.
Chair
To chair a meeting is to be of service by reading the script/format of the meeting and help keep a meeting going. Some meetings have additional responsibilities for the chair. In addition, some may have sobriety requirements to chair a meeting. Sometimes used interchangeably with the meeting “host,” though not always.
Many 12 step groups use chips, also called tokens, medallions, or coins, to mark a person’s sobriety “birthday”. Newcomers may get a medallion at the beginning of their participation in a 12 step group as a way of saying “welcome”, “keep coming back”. Medallions are then given at occasions when individuals have achieved a certain amount of sobriety, or time abstaining from their addiction or compulsion. Medallions are given out every three months, six months, yearly, or at other intervals depending on the particular group.
A meeting open only to those seeking help for sex and love addiction.
Co-Ed meetings
SLAA meetings open for women as well as men to participate in.
Conference Approved (Literature)
The term “Conference-approved” describes written or audio-visual material approved by the Conference for publication by GSO. This process assures that everything in such literature is in accord with SLAA principles. Conference-approved material always deals with the recovery program of SLAA or with information about the Fellowship. It does not imply conference disapproval of other material about SLAA. A great deal of literature is helpful to addicts as published by others, and SLAA does not try to tell any individual member what they may or may not read. Conference approval assures that the piece of literature represents solid SLAA experience.
Co-Sponsor
Co-sponsors are two people who have worked the steps in another program and who start co-sponsoring each other very early in their time in SLAA.
Cross-talk
Sometimes known as “feedback”. To respond directly or indirectly to what someone has shared in a meeting; for example, to offer someone answers to his or her problems, or to engage in dialogue during the meeting, or interrupting a person while they are speaking.
Disclosure
When in a committed relationship with a life partner who desires to know the extent of the addict’s SLAA acting out, disclosure is a process that is done most healthily with the help of a trained and experienced therapist to provide a safe place for the addict and the partner to give and receive the detailed disclosure in a structured environment. Disclosure is recommended only for those who intend to repair and rebuild their relationship. Disclosing before the addict is ready to make disclosure (forced disclosure), a partial disclosure, staggered disclosure (multiple small bits of disclosure) and non-disclosure can all be very damaging. However, if the betrayed partner does not want to receive disclosure, the recovering addict respects this boundary and does not disclose the acting out. Either way, with or without disclosure, the addict can successfully recover by working the 12 Steps, preferably with the guidance of a seasoned Sponsor.
Double Winner
Double winner is a term that’s typical of the black humor of old-school recovery. It means that you may have several addictions that require membership in different/multiple 12 Step groups.
DSR
Daily Sobriety Renewal. As a tool of recovery, many fellows find it useful to check in with another fellow on a daily basis (call, text, etc.) to stay current and responsible by answering questions that are shared between recovery partners at the beginning of the day, or some other scheduled time.
ESH
Experience, Strength, & Hope.
Fantasy
A compulsive reliance on imagined narratives or storylines as a way to escape, numb, or distract the addict from feeling negative emotions, most often centered around experienced or perceived trauma, abuse, pain, fear, abandonment or rejection. The imagined scenarios are often improbable or impossible, but the fantasies are a substitute for a reality that is unacceptable to the addict. Fantasy can include obsessing about a past (e.g., replaying scenarios with variations) or future tripping. Many SLAs find themselves in fantasy about partners/relationships.
FEAR
False Evidence Appearing Real. Self-generated fear or anxiety that arises purely from our own thoughts, not external reality. Face Everything and Recover. F- Everything and Run. Find Excuses to Avoid Reality. For Everything A Reason.
Feedback (Meeting)
Meetings that permit fellows sharing to respond to other fellows’ shares with respectful intent. See also “outreach with feedback.”
Format
Sometimes referred to as the meeting “script.” May also refer to the type of SLAA meeting (e.g., literature, speaker, etc.)
Gentle Path
A method of sponsorship/working SLAA that utilizes “A Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps: The Classic Guide for All People in the Process of Recovery”.
Getting Current
Being accountable in a meeting or with a fellow by sharing thoughts, feelings, and recent situations that have contributed to feeling like one may act out, has acted out, or has triggered one’s addiction.
GOD
Good Orderly Direction
Group Conscience
The process of decision-making for a group/meeting. SLAA encourages all members to express their views.
HALTS
Hungry Angry Lonely Tired Stressed. These are all things we need to be aware of because it can throw a wrench in our day, or program of recovery.
HOPE
Hang on, Pain Ends.
Home Meeting/Group
The meeting that a fellow attends most regularly and/or feels most connected to.
HOW
Honest, Open-Minded, and Willing to Listen. A method of sponsorship/working the program inspired by the Overeaters Anonymous (OA) HOW approach. The SLAA HOW concept was created to offer the sex and love addict a disciplined and structured approach to working the Twelve Steps.
HP/Higher Power
In the 5th major resource of SLAA, we draw on Spirituality. Our developing a relationship with a Power greater than ourselves which can guide and sustain us in recovery. The key is that whatever you choose should be special and man something personal to you, though it should not be another human being. SLAA is not affiliated with any religion, sect, or denomination, though the program is spiritual in nature. Through developing a relationship with a Higher Power of our choosing, we learn to stop using addictive behaviors as a substitute for intimacy. Many non-religious members choose the collective support of the group or a concept of the universe as their Higher Power. Your Higher Power is personal to you, and you are not required to believe in God(s) to attend meetings.
HUMAN
Humbly Understanding Mistakes Are Necessary
Intrigue
Our attempts to arouse the interest of a prospective sexual or emotional partner by secret or underhanded schemes like, dress, looks, or gifts. Flirting is an example of intrigue that appears in the form of flirtatious, suggestive phone, text, or email.
Inventory or “Moral” Inventory
A list of qualities within a person, both positive and negative, discovered through self-examination. Also to “take someone else’s inventory” means judging another person’s life or sobriety.
Isolation
To remove yourself from the help and healing process of engaging with others, program support, or our Higher Power. Isolation often leads to or accompanies a slip. Isolation may also be a form of acting out for anorexic members.
IUD
Intensity, Urgency, Drama
LAVA
Love Attention Validation Approval
Lead (share)
To “lead” means to share for an extended period of time in a meeting, sometimes on a particular topic or area of focus the meeting is dedicated to (e.g., fantasy, anorexia, etc.). The typical, though not required, format is to share a) what it was like, b) what happened, and c) what it’s like now and to share experience, strength, and hope. The fellow giving the lead share traditionally has a certain level of sobriety as required by the particular meeting. Most meetings allow fellows to respond, relate, and/or comment on the lead during their personal share. See also “qualify” and “speaker meeting.”
Literature Meeting
A meeting that uses conference, and sometimes non-conference, approved literature as a part of the structure. For example, the meeting may regularly read from the SLAA Basic Text, AA Big Book, or other program literature for a set amount of time.
Meditation Meeting
A meeting that utilizes guided or independent meditation for a set amount of time as a part of the meeting.
Middle Circle Behaviors
In the Middle Circle of the three circle approach – inner, middle, and outer – we put behaviors that may lead to acting out, or that we are unsure about them leading to acting out.
Mid Lines
An action that falls short of bottom-line behavior but is not a top-line behavior; an action that feels close to acting out or acting in but does not cross the line; an action that is at the edge. See also, “accessory behaviors” and/or “middle circle behaviors.”
No Contact
The action of disengaging yourself, physically and psychologically, from an ex-partner or person you’ve had a relationship with, or a partner you are in a therapeutic separation with. The primary purpose of No Contact is to heal. With No Contact it is decided not to see, meet with, text, call, email or message the other in any way. It is a self-care strategy of detaching yourself 100% from an unhealthy attachment…enduring the withdrawal pain, beginning to heal.
NUTS
Not Using the Steps
Open Meeting
A meeting open to anyone who wishes to attend, no matter their reason (vs. a “Closed Meeting”, which is only open to those seeking help from sex and love addiction).
Open Sharing
A portion of a meeting that allows for fellows to share, typically 2-3 minutes. Fellows may be encouraged to reflect on the speaker’s lead share, the literature read, or a particular theme/area of recovery and/or get current.
Outreach
Making contact with another fellow to get current, bookend, or otherwise stay engaged in recovery. Making outreach calls to fellow members in the program helps us break our isolation, relieve our feelings of loneliness, and helps us crate or maintain a solid foundation of sobriety. Some experienced members in recovery recommend that all members, especially newcomers, make two to three outreach calls a day. Outreach calls to fellow sobriety members are important for both the caller and the person receiving the call. Outreach calls are also different from calls to a Sponsor. While a Sponsor is a spiritual guide who helps a member work through the Steps, an outreach fellow member can be anyone who is working the SLAA program, whether they are a newcomer or someone who has been working the Steps for a while.
Outreach with Feedback (FB)
To engage in an outreach call with another fellow, inviting direct or indirect responses to what has been shared. For example, to offer someone experience, strength, and hope to their problems or to address someone directly during their share.
Parking Lot
Informal time after a meeting where fellows may conduct “overflow sharing” for folks who were unable to share during the meeting, ask questions about the fellowship, or simply commune. Fellows meet in a physical parking lot, or in an online parking lot.
PAUSE
Postpone Action Until Spirit Enters
P & M
Porn & Masturbation. In order to refrain from graphic descriptions of acting out or triggering other’s addictions, many fellows use this acronym to share bottom lines. A variant is PMO – Porn Masturbation, Orgasm.
Primetime
A method of sponsorship/working the steps borrowed from the Primetime AA method. The purpose of Primetime is to talk about the reason to come to SLAA; to expose addiction not just as a word, but as a living mind-powered disease; how the disease appears and functions in our lives today in order to deepen our awareness of what we are up against.
Qualifier
A person or other object of obsession that helps us realize we qualify for membership in this program. It is not a requirement to have a qualifier or qualifiers to be a member of SLAA; however, many of us identify additional qualifiers (including ourselves) as we work the Steps.
Qualification
To “qualify” at a meeting is to be of service by having the lead share on how/why you qualify for SLAA. Format often includes what it was like, what happened, and what is like now. See also “lead share” and “speaker meeting.”
Recovery Partner
A recovery partner is someone with whom you check in on a regular basis. Being accountable to someone can be very beneficial to your recovery. It is suggested that you make an agreement with someone in the program to check in often, even daily if possible. It should be someone that you feel comfortable being honest with, that you can share areas of your recovery that are important to you. Your recovery partner may be a member of SLAA or another friend in recovery. This tool can be a valuable addition to Sponsorship or a great help while you are looking for a Sponsor.
Service
Being “of service” means to aid the fellowship in meetings, online, etc. There are no dues to be in SLAA, therefore the fellowship relies on fellows to keep the program going. There are many ways to be of service in different stages of recovery, including the newcomer. Examples include, reading in a meeting; taking a longer-term service commitment (e.g., meeting secretary)’ and, moderating an online SLAA space.
SG
Signal Group – see WAG.
SHAME
Should Have Already Mastered Everything
Self Hate And Mental Exhaustion
SLAA Member
Any SLAA participant who has a desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction.
Slip
A “slip” usually refers to a time when a person engages in addictive behavior, but only to a small degree. It means that the person realized it right away and avoided a full relapse. Each group views slips differently.
SLIP
Sobriety Losing Its Priority
Sobriety
A state of abstinence from addictive bottom-line behaviors; often accompanied by the return of sanity, choice, and personal dignity that comes from abstaining from bottom-line behaviors.
Sober Dating
After a period of abstinence in recovery, fellows may begin dating again after their sponsor has cleared them to do so or when they personally feel in a place to do so. This process includes developing a “dating plan” to better define and avoid addictive patterns, determine appropriateness of potential partners, establish relationship must-haves, and define timelines for intimacy, among other things.
Sobriety Date
The date we stop engaging in our bottom-line behaviors.
Speaker Meeting
A meeting format that consists of a speaker, typically with a certain level of sobriety (e.g., minimum Step requirement, minimum time sober, etc.) to “lead” by sharing their experience, strength, and hope in working SLAA. In a speaker meeting, shares may respond to the speaker, and this is not considered crosstalk.
Sponsee
When you work your SLAA recovery with the help of a Sponsor, you are a Sponsee. Anyone who is moving along a journey of recovery from addiction can be a Sponsee. Members benefit greatly from guidance of a Sponsor in order to better understand and navigate the challenges and expectations of the recovery process. A Sponsee is highly recommended to Work the Steps with the guidance of a Sponsor.
Sponsor
A person who works closely with another member to provide individual support and guidance in applying the SLAA Twelve Step/Twelve Tradition program. A sponsor should be a person we are not in danger of acting out with, nor are we likely to experience intrigue with. A Sponsor is someone who can work closely with us as we Work the Steps. Sponsorship is among the most important tools for continued recovery in SLAA, along with regular attendance at meetings and working the Twelve Steps. Sponsorship offers us a powerful tool for gaining clarity about our addiction. We find support and guidance in dealing with our addictive patterns and begin to realize new options for living in recovery. A Sponsor is a person who has found sobriety from their addictive behaviors and who gives us individual support and guidance in applying the SLAA Twelve Step Program of recovery to our lives. A Sponsor is neither a parent, a therapist, nor a confessor. A Sponsor is a person with whom we have no ulterior motive, whom we do not pay, and from whom we seek neither absolution nor judgement. A prospective Sponsor should be sober, have clear bottom lines, have gone through withdrawal, be working the Steps, be available, and ideally have their own Sponsor. See also “Temporary Sponsor.”
Stag Meetings
SLAA meetings that have, by group conscience, decided to have those who identify as the same gender attend and participate. Stag meetings are available for women or men.
Staggered Disclosure
When a partner repeatedly discovers information about the sex and love addict’s acting out either by accident, investigation, or by the addict’s own admission.
Step Study Meeting
SLAA meetings with a format that works through in sequence the 12 Steps of SLAA, often focusing on one Step for a set amount of time (e. g. each week, month, etc.). These meetings can be particularly helpful for those who have yet to find a Sponsor to work the Steps closely with.
Temporary Sponsor
A Temporary Sponsor or Interim Sponsor works within the limits of their personal experience and knowledge, to help a newcomer or fellow for 30 days or another agreed upon length of time. The main goal is for the Sponsee to be introduced to some of the tools we use to get sober and stay sober. It is very helpful during this period to have a person who can answer questions, give guidance and help develop the beginning of a recovery plan (e. g. set initial bottom lines). Among other things, a Temporary Sponsor may: Encourage the newcomer to attend a variety of meetings to help them find meetings well suited to them; introduce a newcomer to other members, including potential Sponsors, when possible; and, introduce the newcomer to SLAA literature. When you find someone who more fully meets your needs, you can thank the Temporary Sponsor for their service and move on.
Terminal Uniqueness
The false belief that the situation an addict is facing is unlike anything other addicts have ever before been able to relate to. In other words, people with this condition believe that no one else has ever encountered what they are facing and therefore, on one can understand what they’re going through. Terminal uniqueness has its roots in addictive thinking, that voice that keeps us acting out or using, sure that no one understands us. It’s a voice that protects the addiction, part of denial – a voice that never leads anywhere good.
Therapeutic Separation
A therapeutic separation is an intentional, planned, and pre-determined period of time when a couple under the care of a professional therapist choose to live separately to create safety and/or reduced volatility to allow recovery to be focused on.
Top lines / Outer Circle Behaviors
Top Line or Outer Circle behaviors of the three circle approach – inner, middle, and outer – where we put the behaviors that enhance our life and our recovery. They are healthy behaviors and activities we do in place of our unhealthy, addictive behaviors. By taking these contrary actions, we prove to ourselves we ARE capable of making healthy choices. We can’t be sober and simply stop our destructive behavior in a vacuum. We can take creative actions, and prove we are capable of making healthy choices. It can start with small additions to our daily routine.
Torchbearer
Love addicts who obsess for years are called Torchbearers. This used to be called unrequited love. This kind of love addiction, more than any other, feeds on fantasies and delusions. Torchbearers often believe that their infatuation is reciprocated (returned) when it is not (erotomania). Someone who is still in love with their high school sweetheart is a torchbearer. Torchbearers cannot fall out of love after withdrawal. They must wait to fall in love with someone new and transfer the limerence.
Trigger(s)
A person, place, thing, or environment that sets off an urge to act out or act in.
Two-Way Prayer
The basis of two-way prayer is a daily practice of sitting with a notebook or diary, getting very quiet and having a written conversation with a Higher Power of your choosing. You write to HP and ask questions, and then you listen quietly (or using active imagination) write back to yourself from HP.
WAG
WhatsApp Group – see SG.
White-Knuckling
White-knuckling sobriety means you are going it alone, and you have no solution for your addiction. White-knuckling your sobriety means you are trying to manage your addiction without help. You are using your willpower or trying to fix yourself with your mind.
Withdrawal
The physical, mental, emotional, and often spiritual upheaval which generally accompanies the break in our addictive pattern. This is the first stage of SLAA recovery. Just as with chemical addictions (alcohol, narcotics, etc.), there is a period of withdrawal that will occur once you stop your addictive behavior. This feeling may reoccur as we separate from (addictive) relationships throughout our ongoing recovery.
Whether the craving is for sex, romance, or relationships, whether this craving is constant or periodic, not satisfying such a craving often comes as a shock to our system. Times of withdrawal can be uncomfortable for many of us. Our bodies go through unexpected physical changes; our emotions hit highs and lows we never imagined possible. We feel, perhaps for the first time ever, the void which we had previously sought to fill with our addiction(s).
“We” Version
The “we” version of the Serenity Prayer replaces first-person pronouns (e. g. grant me the things I cannot change, etc.) with third-person pronoun words “we, us” (e. g. grant us things we cannot change, etc.).
YETs
You’re Eligible To’s. As we recover and work the Steps with a Sponsor, we reach milestones. For example, someone who is single may be “cleared” by their Sponsor (i.e., become eligible) to begin sober dating.
This S.L.A.A. Glossary of Terms is not conference approved literature.
It was developed by the Monterey Bay Intergroup and includes definitions found on other sites.
S.L.A.A. Monterey Bay 